when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations