Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Time heals everything 🙂

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.