when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
You Might Also Like
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
i wish all
whales
a very
big
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.