when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room