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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know