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“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …