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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…