when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Yes, but it was never about money
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
So glad we cleared that up
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.