Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens