@OhNoSheTwitnt

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

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@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@dumbbeezie

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@juliussharpe

People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@itscarokitty

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.