If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.