When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Me trying to look natural in photos
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.