Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.