When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
SCARY COSTUME
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs