When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Hard not to take this personally
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.