When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.