When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.