Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

I occasionally drink every single night.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground