Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

Windows

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo