When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
What if the weather talks about us?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.