Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Drilling for oil is well boring.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

I was just discussing this with my cat

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.