When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.