Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

lmao

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐