When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.