Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

All set.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Mad Max: Furry Road