Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?