When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
This classic never gets old . . .
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.