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So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Bed should get ready for ME
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My what?
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye