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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
who’s gonna tell her?
