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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
jesus, what did this guy do
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
