“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*