ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
congratulations to them
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*cough*
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.