When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.

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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math


*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then


Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet


Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.


Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion


I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.


We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask “am I sexuaaaal?” and don’t get a “yeeeeeeah!” in response, you need a new crew.


Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.


I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.


WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART