When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
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What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
IT’S-A ME,
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.