*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
sistine chapel
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Hard not to take this personally
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.