Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché