When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
This pepper has seen some shit
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter