Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Effort made

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

me and my fake scenarios

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Worth the read.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.