When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
You Might Also Like
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
respect
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2