When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Twitter remains undefeated
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.