When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Flock of bats
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*