When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
You Might Also Like
This is always good for a laugh.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off