When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
How can I say no to this ?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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HADDAWAY: shit