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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Two types of dogs.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
☠️ ☠️
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.