You Might Also Like
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Single and childfree like Jesus
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
pain
