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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
You are what you delete.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”