When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Everything reminds me of my ex
What the dentist sees
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!