When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
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I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
? 💀
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️