When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.