Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.