Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what