When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”