Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Good morning

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.