When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.