When your man makes a valid point
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
