When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
You Might Also Like
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
👍
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?