When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
love it when they get my name right
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?