When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets