Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question