When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
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Is this a threat?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
1920βs: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020βs: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* Iβve done it. Nope. Itβs still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably arenβt the One.
βWash your hair. Wash your body.β Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know Iβm holding my phone, I will call the police.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If I were a mob boss, Iβd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Iβm tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, itβs going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I canβt help you anymore.
The guy Iβve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I donβt own any animals.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me: β¦at aol dot com
Cashier: at a�
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao�
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Maβam, are you crying?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was βonly on the insideβ.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouseβs same three bad jokes for life.
Letβs be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog βwith skinβ. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. π€§π
βοΈ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
π₯ FULL SKETCH HERE:
Iβm not a god.
Iβm a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
Thereβs a difference.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, βItβs taken a decade but Iβm finally my own man.β
Heβs 14.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
γ €
Iβm just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
βHey, are you gonna eat this?β
Pre-diction: Babyβs first words will be garbled.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no