When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming๐๐๐๐๐๐
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Whoโs soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: Iโm ready for my comeback
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: don’t ๐๐ผ judge ๐ other ๐ people ๐ be kind โ๐ผ๐
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
PRIEST: 1st the groomโs vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* Iโm only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: Thatโs not really-
HER: Thatโs what I wrote too.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
What adults say: Iโm just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes โnope, that name goes in the binโ
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
it may not be my circus, but if Iโm being honestโฆ more often than not, it is my monkey
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far theyโve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls