When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
the zen of frog
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
