When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I have a type: disappointing
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.