Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Damn he played himself

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.