[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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Brands during Pride
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
