Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

I stand by it

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

War & Peace