When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*