When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m confused about plants
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.