When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Whoa… oh I see lol
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
no exceptions
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets