When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
fly smarter, not harder
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING