When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.