When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder