Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

2 years later

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE