when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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Day 2 of my diet
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Simple enough.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs